Everyday, Rob goes about his business. He has a job, an apartment, and....video games. But other than that, Rob only has his job. No more experiences with his girlfriend, no more ex-mother-in-law pity fucks, no drugs..no nothing.
The most fun he has is picking his ass and then wiping the excrement(s) around the tip of his boss’s Starbucks coffee. He’s careful to wipe most the crud off so his personal brown dye can be mistaken for spilled ‘Joe’.
He does this every morning he enters the office. Mainly because he can, and also because he just doesn’t give a shit if he gets fired. His boss Drew has yet to NOT complain about how his coffee always smells like shit. Rob wonders why the fuck he keeps drinking it.
Today, his boss Drew takes a sip of it, grimaces, and says: “UGH…God!” And when Rob gives him a questioning look (as if he doesn’t know what’s going on), Drew says, “Never mind, Just keep ‘em comin!”
Rob couldn’t resist the urge to laugh LOUDLY somewhat to him-self. This followed with an uncontrollable passing of gas that luckily didn‘t result in more ammo. Rob thinks to himself that it may be in fact possible that his boss misinterpreted what to eat from your body as a child. It has to be the only way his boss drank that shit for so long.
Other kids ate boogers and snot; this guy shoved his hand up his ass and proceeded to gingerly fist his mouth. Maybe not like that, but just maybe. Why else would he literally drink ass juice?
This then led to Rob’s firing; the one big thing in his life. It wasn’t just Rob laughing at his boss Drew that got him canned…it was what was on the other side of the coffee cup. Drew’s fingers ran through Rob’s incidental shit stain. After three months, he had finally messed up and was caught red-handed.
Maybe today Rob had gone too far. On the other hand he thought, maybe he had won. Hadn’t he? His boss drank shit like four other times this week. Not to mention for three months straight. If anyone had ever gone too far, it was this dirty bastard.
And what made it even sweeter is his boss never did anything to piss him off except take the last napkin at lunch his first day. Rob happened to have barbecue pork, and he would always remember how he had to wipe his hands off on his co-worker’s coat. He felt kind of bad about that.
So…Rob went about his day. He thinks to go pick up a transvestite and send IT to his boss’s office as a sign of gratitude for keeping him as an employee as long as he did, but then pushes the thought away. Childish, he thinks.
Instead, fiddlin’ Rob decides he wants to cause a scene.
So he walks into a Chucky Cheese.
He buys an extra-large cheese pizza and sits down at a table.
He starts to undress.
He begins to call over a child to have a slice of pizza.
10 minutes later he has a bloody nose and is being arrested.
He thinks this is funny.
He’s going to be labeled a sex offender.
Now he finally has an excuse to not make it to his nephew’s dance recitals at his elementary school. Not only because his sister forced him to go, but because he was pretty sure his nephew is a homo.
Rob has accomplished a goal today.
And that’s a day in Rob’s life.
Do join us next time for his next adventure.
