The last time we heard from Rob, he had stolen a pooch doggy and pissed himself in excitement after clubbing some bitch with a dildo in San Francisco.
The dog had become too much of a pest for Rob to care for, so one day he randomly handed it off to a woman in a wheelchair sitting outside a grocery store. Walking away he sang, “I feel Good,” while flipping both those bitches the finger.
Rob has long since ditched that disaster. The closest he has come to that mischief was when he took a shit inside some kids smore when he wasn't looking a week ago.
He now resides at a lake he still doesn’t know the name of. He also doesn’t know that he’s sent twenty-six tourists driving by in the opposite direction of the lake they were looking for (this one).
For those of you who have not read (or care) for Rob’s past adventures, they bare no meaning. For this tale alone is mighty meaty. Here’s how today started for Fiddlin’ Rob:
Rob woke up outside his tent. Rob made coffee and played with his lent. Rob got stoned and therefore foreshadowed; he was high on weed, coke, LSD & and a pill called “Sh-shallO.”
The high was crazy for Rob. He figured he could try and run it off, or at least go find help if necessary. But he’s been through rougher situations. He could manage himself, for now.
He made his way to the start of a path that HAS lead him to the highway before, so he thinks. His eyes lock on the ground just under the two mile sign, where he see’s a tiny smurf butt-fucking the shit out of Tinkerbell.
He shakes it off and keeps walking.
The earth below Rob felt hard, but he felt weak. The noises of numerous critters branch out from the underbrush alongside the path. The colors of nature around Rob dubiously sway and pulsate, especially when he briefly focuses on one area.
Rob walked on for what felt like an hour, but still had not come to the highway. He was starting to get...petrified. The drugs were REALLY kicking in now.
And Rob had that song stuck in his head, "It's a small world after all." He wished death and many misfortunes to those crazy bastards that ever started the song. He kept thinking that the world definitely isn't small, and that if it were, there wouldn't be six fucking billion people on it (after all).
As the path began to stir too much, Rob collapses to his knees. Blurred objects crisscross his line of sight, and the song in his head was driving him to the brink. He closed his eyes and blurted out what was on his mind:
"It's a fucking BIG world! It is! Those kids suck and they're stupid! I should mindfully fuck them with an overused expression!"
Rob then opens his eyes to see two little girls about the same height. For all he knew, they were twins. He suddenly felt overcome with despair, trying to catch his breath. He attempts to speak, but instead pukes on one of the girl's shoes.
"Gross!"
Rob grabs a hold of the other girl's ankle, looking up into her face all wide-eyed and sick with fear.
"Drugs are bad," he gasps.
The girls run off towards the direction Rob came from.
"You'll never make it! It's ALIVE! The path is ALIVE I tell you," Rob preached.
He was stunned in a moment of ecstasy then. As he looked forward, he could see that hot alien chick from the James Cameron movie, Avatar, blasphemously eating a banana. 'Lickity-split', Rob thought. He started to walk towards her.
"Hey...hey baby. That's an awful nice looking banana you got there. You want to touch tails? I mean, I don't really have a tail, but I got a-"
Before Rob could finish, she took off like a bat out of hell.
"Wait! We could start off slow with a game of Jenga," Rob tried to explain, but to no avail. He had run out of breath and his head was swimming with freaky sexual thoughts with a woman of fantasy. Literally.
Rob took a second to gain his composure. Taking deep breaths in and out he started to click his heels together saying, "There's no place like Rome...home. No place like home. No place like...home."
A family stands watching Rob from a distance. The mother and father watch with their jaws drooped in shock, as their two little girls giggle and point. They'd been watching Rob for about ten minutes, standing in front of a tree clicking his heels together saying some of the weirdest shit they've EVER heard in their lives.
Absentmindedly, one of the little girls throws a good sized rock at Rob, hitting him square in the temple.
Rob falls to the dirt in great pain, his head feeling as if someone were banging one of those pinballs around inside, running up the score. As Rob comes back to reality, he see's the family and also see's that he's wearing no pants. Or underwear for that matter.
"Sorry. Was on my way to do laundry, you know..." And with that, Rob runs away down the path he knew would lead him to his next adventure. He sure as hell had outstayed his welcome, he thought.
He reaches the highway, sticking his thumb out for a ride; barely covering his crotch with part of a bush he ripped out of the ground. A small yellow school bus pulls over for Rob, with a sign reading, "Humbridge Unified School District."
Rob approaches the bus, coming up to the door. It swings open, revealing one really fat hairy man sporting a Hitler mustache in an orange jumpsuit. The man smiles wide, revealing what's left of his stained teeth. Rob considers a moment, and reluctantly hops aboard with a saying he's not sure he's ever used before:
"Hey-ho, let's go."
To be continued...
Fiddlin' Rob Gives Thanks on "Black Friday"
He shakes it off and keeps walking.
The earth below Rob felt hard, but he felt weak. The noises of numerous critters branch out from the underbrush alongside the path. The colors of nature around Rob dubiously sway and pulsate, especially when he briefly focuses on one area.
Rob walked on for what felt like an hour, but still had not come to the highway. He was starting to get...petrified. The drugs were REALLY kicking in now.
And Rob had that song stuck in his head, "It's a small world after all." He wished death and many misfortunes to those crazy bastards that ever started the song. He kept thinking that the world definitely isn't small, and that if it were, there wouldn't be six fucking billion people on it (after all).
As the path began to stir too much, Rob collapses to his knees. Blurred objects crisscross his line of sight, and the song in his head was driving him to the brink. He closed his eyes and blurted out what was on his mind:
"It's a fucking BIG world! It is! Those kids suck and they're stupid! I should mindfully fuck them with an overused expression!"
Rob then opens his eyes to see two little girls about the same height. For all he knew, they were twins. He suddenly felt overcome with despair, trying to catch his breath. He attempts to speak, but instead pukes on one of the girl's shoes.
"Gross!"
Rob grabs a hold of the other girl's ankle, looking up into her face all wide-eyed and sick with fear.
"Drugs are bad," he gasps.
The girls run off towards the direction Rob came from.
"You'll never make it! It's ALIVE! The path is ALIVE I tell you," Rob preached.
He was stunned in a moment of ecstasy then. As he looked forward, he could see that hot alien chick from the James Cameron movie, Avatar, blasphemously eating a banana. 'Lickity-split', Rob thought. He started to walk towards her.
"Hey...hey baby. That's an awful nice looking banana you got there. You want to touch tails? I mean, I don't really have a tail, but I got a-"
Before Rob could finish, she took off like a bat out of hell.
"Wait! We could start off slow with a game of Jenga," Rob tried to explain, but to no avail. He had run out of breath and his head was swimming with freaky sexual thoughts with a woman of fantasy. Literally.
Rob took a second to gain his composure. Taking deep breaths in and out he started to click his heels together saying, "There's no place like Rome...home. No place like home. No place like...home."
A family stands watching Rob from a distance. The mother and father watch with their jaws drooped in shock, as their two little girls giggle and point. They'd been watching Rob for about ten minutes, standing in front of a tree clicking his heels together saying some of the weirdest shit they've EVER heard in their lives.
Absentmindedly, one of the little girls throws a good sized rock at Rob, hitting him square in the temple.
Rob falls to the dirt in great pain, his head feeling as if someone were banging one of those pinballs around inside, running up the score. As Rob comes back to reality, he see's the family and also see's that he's wearing no pants. Or underwear for that matter.
"Sorry. Was on my way to do laundry, you know..." And with that, Rob runs away down the path he knew would lead him to his next adventure. He sure as hell had outstayed his welcome, he thought.
He reaches the highway, sticking his thumb out for a ride; barely covering his crotch with part of a bush he ripped out of the ground. A small yellow school bus pulls over for Rob, with a sign reading, "Humbridge Unified School District."
Rob approaches the bus, coming up to the door. It swings open, revealing one really fat hairy man sporting a Hitler mustache in an orange jumpsuit. The man smiles wide, revealing what's left of his stained teeth. Rob considers a moment, and reluctantly hops aboard with a saying he's not sure he's ever used before:
"Hey-ho, let's go."
To be continued...
Fiddlin' Rob Gives Thanks on "Black Friday"
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