An obese elderly woman in the video store wanted me to recommend a couple of ‘funny movies’. I pointed out Zombieland and Grandmas Boy. movies I had just enjoyed at my ex-girlfriends residence a few days earlier (after masturbating in the kitchen sink).
I had ventured to her place to retrieve my belongings; my laminated foreskin and a bootleg copy of Star Trek Genesis.
Anyways, this woman at the store asks the clerk up front, “I want to know if any of these movies make SENSE? I don’t like watching movies that don’t make sense.”
That had to be one of the dumbest things I’ve EVER heard. A movie called Zombieland she figures might not make sense? When did she jump to conclusions?
What was funny about this is that the clerk replied, “Well, Zombieland is a simple concept..zombies try and take over the world, people try to survive and such. While Grandma’s Boy is a litter harder to follow. Bunch of geeks smoke weed and screw Grandma while forcing her to play connect four.”
To which the woman replied, “Sounds like a dike film.”
I didn’t even know where to start. I felt terrified, alone, cold but oh so warm and relieved. I had pissed myself. Not intentionally..this was NOT pre-meditated like Janet Jackson’s boob fondling by that backstreet boy at the grammy’s.
I was forced to act quickly; I ran out of the store with Office Space and the only copy of Sex and the City. What I had just seen was a bit scary with the drugs inside me.
That was my first and last dance chugging a liter of codeine cough syrup and smoking a blunt of hash before mingling in a video store. Jamarcus Russell would have been proud.
Disturbed and high as shit...I flowered my ex-girlfriend’s bed with silly string and milk chocolates. Except it wasn’t silly string and chocolates.
It was a little bit of me..all over her favorite dvd, Sex and the City. Happy anniversary.
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